Big Girl, Big Goals, Zero Motivation

motivation

I wish this were motivation to me…

I’m going to share a not-so-secret secret with all of you.

I’m big.

I’m well beyond curvy, lightyears past chubby. I don’t like using the f-word though. Hate it. Loathe it. Very rarely use it. But I’ll be the first to admit I’m very plus sized.

Today, another doctor’s appointment reminded me of it.

Over the past few months, various little problems have become major problems. I won’t get into the details because… well. I didn’t even want to talk about it to my doctor. I knew the answer. But I had to at least confirm it because I decided to google some of the problems. Anyone who has googled their symptoms before will know this one fact – it always ends up in death.

its-never-lupus

Today was a bit of a change though. And it should have been a wake up call.  After chatting with my doctor, she started with the regular diet conversations.

Doctor: Have you tried dieting?
Me: *shrugs* Yeah I’ve done Weightwatchers and stuff…
Doctor: What about exercise?
Me: *shrugs again* My sister tries to get me to do these dance exercises on Youtube…
Doctor: But you don’t?
Me: I don’t really do motivation…

lack-of-motivation-polar-bear

We then briefly chatted about other options. And it was the first time that a doctor suggested that I potentially consider surgery.

Me: That’s cheating. Plus, it seems dangerous.

Of course I know it isn’t cheating. But I’ve always thought to myself that if I wanted to be thin, I’d eventually get the motivation to do it. But motivation has never come.

death-note-motivation

But on the bus ride home, I found my mind going a mile a minute. Have I actually reached the point where it seems I need to go under the knife just to lose weight? And why on earth can’t I do it myself? Why do I have no interest in it?

And then, in the back of my head, I thought of a conversation I had with a friend over the summer. One sentence she said really resonated with me.

You need to learn to love yourself.

I forgot about that up until this afternoon, but it’s true – how can you be motivated when you have nothing to be motivated about?

I know many people turn around and say “You don’t lose weight for other people – you lose weight for yourself.” But what happens when you really don’t seem to care about yourself? And I’m not writing this to try to get people to tell me all the good things about myself. It really just rolls off me. I acknowledge it, but I don’t really take it to heart. Because, lets be honest – what do I have to show for it? I’m underemployed, my finances are a mess, and I’m far from socially happy. I’m awkward and anxious and I struggle to get through the day. It’s hard to keep motivated when there is very little to show for it.

I don’t want to get all self-deprecating here, so I’ll acknowledge – my 20s were pretty cool. I lived in Japan and Korea, travelled a bit, had great friends while living overseas… And if you asked people around me, they’d probably say I’m doing well. But I still don’t really feel it.

I wish I could say that this was going to be my turning point. That I finally got my motivation today and I’m doing to do everything I can to lose weight and deal with everything. But tonight I had pizza for supper.

 

Where do you find your motivation?